The prosecution: Patricia
Our daughter is a year old. We can’t just give random people access to our private space
Three months ago, my boyfriend Phil and I moved into a new flat with our baby daughter Marissa. It took us a while to get on the property ladder (we’re almost 40) – and the building is lovely. It’s an old Victorian property split into three flats. We’re on the ground floor with a private garden, accessible through our patio doors and an alleyway only we have the key for.
Phil has made friends with everyone in the building already, which is very him, and he recently told me that some of the neighbours would like to use our garden. He said he’d been talking to our upstairs neighbour and she said that the last person who lived here, an elderly woman, was very happy during the summer to give people access by giving them keys to the gate in the alleyway.
“Would you mind?” Phil asked me. The problem is: I do. Very much, in fact! The woman upstairs has two young sons and wants to be able to wander into my garden with them at her leisure? No thanks. The garden isn’t shared.
I said, “Look, can we settle in before we give other people access?” But he replied, “Oh, but it’s summer! We could be hosting everyone in the building.” I’m open to a potential barbecue, but I’m not giving away the keys to my hard-earned castle. The previous resident was probably lonely, but that’s not our situation. It’s presumptuous of this neighbour to ask and I think Phil should have put his foot down. I told him that he has to go back to our neighbour and tell her no.
I’m not really a “mi casa es su casa” person and never have been. It’s an issue of privacy but also safety. Marissa is a year old. We can’t have random people around her. What happens if our neighbours give the key to someone else? Phil says that they would ask and not just wander in; that it’s more just allowing the kids to sunbathe when we’re out. But I don’t know if that’s the case. It would feel awkward if I wanted to use my garden and I had to ask people to leave. Phil is way too chummy with everyone, whereas I’m more cautious. I know he’s not looking forward to the conversation with this neighbour, but it might teach him to stop being so open.
The defence: Phil
The neighbours would only use the garden when we’re not home, so what’s the harm in sharing?
Patricia is affronted that our neighbour dared ask to use our garden, and even more offended that I didn’t shut down her request right away. I don’t think any of this is a huge deal. Her reaction is quite funny. Obviously, our neighbour just wanted to see if things could continue as they had been doing before.
I think Patricia dislikes the idea of people being in our garden at the same time as her, but we could stipulate that they can only use it when we’re out. I suggested this and she said she didn’t like the idea of people being so close to our house when we aren’t there. I think it’s important to get to know everyone in our building as we just moved in. Yes, this woman was a bit forward, but I didn’t say yes! By the way Patricia has reacted, you’d think that I’d already got alleyway gate keys cut and popped them through everyone’s letterboxes.
My way of thinking is: why shouldn’t we share the garden? If some kids in the building want to kick a football about, I don’t mind. I wouldn’t put Marissa at risk or let anyone come close to her, but our garden is about 50ft long, with lots of trees at the back. Even if two families were in it, we wouldn’t have to disturb each other and it’s not like we’d let just anyone have a key, these are our neighbours – they can become our friends. I’m not looking forward to breaking the news to the woman upstairs. I think it makes us look selfish.
I always tease Patricia when she gets territorial over things and say it’s because she grew up as an only child. I grew up in a big family farmhouse so I’m used to the idea of communal living whereas Patricia is very “drawbridge up”. We’re fundamentally different in that sense, but I also understand that she’s a new mum (and a brilliant one) and she always wants to put Marissa first. She says she wants Marissa to roam freely around our house and garden, and I do understand that. I also think it could also be good for her to be socialised around other children, and a communal garden experience might help with that. Patricia is adamant though. Maybe I’ll raise the issue again when Marissa is a bit older, and we’ve lived in the flat for longer.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should we let the neighbours use our garden?
I admire Phil’s trusting nature but if he loves the “big family farmhouse” atmosphere so much, maybe he should go and live in a commune. Invite the neighbours round for a barbecue, but giving them a key is a big commitment. Stand firm, Patricia!
Nancy, 25
Why is wanting to be liked by strangers so important to Phil? Patricia’s reaction strikes him as “funny,” but boundaries are both healthy and necessary. Chummy agreements can be hard to get out of and awkward when things go sour. You can be friends with without having to let neighbours encroach on your space.
Ruth, 43
I’m sorry Phil, it’s lovely you are so friendly but it’s your first home owned as a couple and you have a small child. Take it slow with new neighbours – you may regret handing over the key once you get to know them! – and reassess in a couple of years.
Hester, 44
Phil should not have committed to anything without discussing it before beforehand. A simple, “That’s interesting how the old occupant did things – I’ll chat with my partner and get back to you,” would suffice.
Colleen, 32
Phil’s motives are commendable but he comes across as very naive. People have different ideas of acceptable behaviour, and the idea of having to enforce a code of conduct for garden access sounds exhausting. Hosting barbecues sounds like a good compromise.
Mike, 34
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Phil pass on the keys?
The poll closes on Thursday 8 August at 10am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Leo should help Filippo slap on the factor 50 in public.
28% of you said Leo is guilty – he’s rubbing his boyfriend Filippo up the wrong way
72% of you said Leo is innocent – Filippo needs a thicker skin