If Chris Philp didn’t exist, would it be possible to create him? Is such a feat of imagination even possible? Consider the complexities – the absurdity, the halfwittedness. The unfailing ability to jump on the wrong bandwagon. And yet … To have succeeded to the limits of the Peter principle. To be the embodiment of the Dunning-Kruger effect. The apotheosis of mediocrity. The charisma of a muddy puddle.
The Philpster also has the uncanny knack of backing a loser. One of his businesses was wound up due to lack of funds. He was an enthusiastic supporter of Liz Truss long before anyone fully understood just how hopeless she was. If you’re looking for someone to blame for your mortgage costs, he’s your man.
And yet … In parliamentary terms he’s a clear success story. A junior minister under Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak. A cabinet minister under Liz. And now shadow home secretary under Kemi Badenoch. I suppose you might say this all merely illustrates the desperation and lack of talent on the Tory benches. In no other world could he be a star. But even so. Some guys get all the luck.
What you can’t fault is the Philpster’s enthusiasm. He never seems to tire of making an idiot of himself. He rivals Truss in an absence of self-awareness. What the world needs most is more Chris Philp. If the public were to see the real Chris then they would end up falling in love with him. This seemed to be the thinking behind the speaker’s decision on Tuesday to allow Philp an urgent question on extremism.
Dan Jarvis, security minister at the home office, could not have been more clear. The document that had been leaked to the rightwing thinktank Policy Exchange the night before was just that. A document. Some ideas that a civil servant had jotted down along with dozens of others.
It didn’t represent government policy. Never had. Never would. The stuff about extending the definition of extremism to misogyny, online disinformation and the manosphere was all bollocks. So he couldn’t really understand what everyone was doing being dragged to the chamber to discuss something that was never going to happen.
None of which got through to the Philpster. For him, if an idea exists in his head then it must be true. He is a man who operates totally within his own reality. The rest of the world only exists as an extension of his imagination. There was nothing before he was born and there will be nothing when he’s gone. Imagine there’s no people. It’s easy if you try.
“OK,” he said. So the government was saying that all this was nonsense. But could we at least pretend that it was true for the next 40 minutes or so?
Now Chris began to channel his inner Andrew Tate. Everything was a conspiracy. Even the government saying there were no plans to extend the definition of extremism was a woke conspiracy. Designed to put lesser people off the scent. Mainly, it seemed, he didn’t want to be labelled an extremist himself. He was the Man of the Manosphere. What was wrong with stirring up a bit of hatred with some online idiocy? It was what real blokes did on a night out. And real women. Though they didn’t count so much. Chris was basically just one of the lads.
Jarvis looked genuinely concerned for the Philpster’s state of mind. He is a kindly man who naturally tends to give the benefit of the doubt, so just in case Philp had missed it the first time, he repeated his message.
It was perfectly OK for Chris to carry on misleading people on X. He could also Man Up in the Manosphere. Tell misogynist jokes. It wasn’t funny, and it it wasn’t clever, but Chris wouldn’t get his collar felt by the police. He was in the clear. A halfwit, bordering on quarterwit. But not an extremist. Philp continued to fidget and showed no sign of having listened.
Still, the Philpster may be unbalanced but he’s nowhere near as deranged as Suella Braverman. When you’re too much for Kemi Badenoch – Suella didn’t make the cut in the shadow cabinet – then you’re in big trouble.
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One of the last places on earth where Suella is a welcome guest is the rightwing Heritage Foundation in the US. Though possibly not for much longer, because she is now too out there even for them. I would guess the Heritage Foundation will be vetting its invitations more thoroughly from now on.
Suella was in Washington to give the Margaret Thatcher Freedom Lecture. Maggie will be turning in her grave. She was at least a serious politician. What followed was one long rant. Donald Trump had come down from heaven to save America. Britain was locked in some socialist hell where everything had faded to grey. Misery was all that was left to comfort us. The economy was in tatters. Er, yes, Suella. And whose fault was that?
But Braverman wasn’t there to touch base with reality. Britain was invaded by Chinese spies. And immigrants. Get rid of anyone with brown skin. That’s what the Donald would do. Even the Conservatives were secret commies. The UK was on track to become an Islamist state in 20 years. A country that would nuke the USA as soon as look at it.
The Heritage Foundation host, Nile Gardiner, sounded bewildered by the end. There was batshit and batshit. “We haven’t heard something like this before,” he said cautiously. And he hoped never to again. This could give conservatism a bad name.
Prince Harry should be deported from the USA. Rule of law. Hmm. Tell that to the felon in the White House. Britain was a nation of appeasers. Save the one true Brexit. That was now being destroyed by Lord Frost.
By now, Gardiner was on the floor. Holding his ears and rolling in agony. “Make it stop,” he sobbed. “Someone make it stop.” He spoke for us all.