Alissia, 32
I’ve cut out baby voices and we’ve banned cuddling on the sofa, because apparently cuddling ‘neutralises the erotic spark’
My partner Mark rarely wants to have sex with me. We’ve been together for three years and in the early days sex was amazing – constant and totally uninhibited. But in the past year and a half Mark has lost interest. Every time I bring this up – admittedly aggressively, and often in tears – he shouts and becomes upset. Usually we reach a point where I threaten to walk away if things don’t change, but I don’t want to. I love him and it’s not that I miss sex in some abstract, impersonal way. I miss sex with him.
When we manage to talk sensibly about what’s going on, Mark has offered some insights. He says he finds our closeness cosy and nourishing, but that it’s not erotic for him. I’ve cut out the baby voices (which I am often guilty of) and we’ve banned cuddling on the sofa, because cuddling “neutralises the erotic spark” apparently. I’ve also stopped initiating sex to take the pressure off him.
I have a history of depression and anxiety, and Mark is amazingly supportive, but has also told me that it’s not very erotic to be put in a carer role, so I now confide in him less.
For a while, this all seemed to be working, and we had sex a few times. But it has dried up again recently. The other day we were in bed together, kissing in a way I thought was building up to sex. Then he got up out of bed and walked into the bathroom, without explaining himself. I don’t know what happens in the split-second he decides to walk away.
If sex didn’t exist, our relationship would be perfect. We laugh all day and he tells me he thinks I’m beautiful, and squeezes me and admires my body. But I feel as if I’m always waiting for him to initiate something – and because he doesn’t, I feel deeply hurt.
I’m convinced that part of the problem is that he avoids thinking about sex because he doesn’t want to face whatever is going on. I’m open to trying anything, and I hope that if we really tapped into what turns him on, we could get past this. In my darker moments, I think if I was less emotionally leaky and more of a mysterious, colder girl, perhaps he would still desire me. But I don’t want to spend my whole life editing parts of myself out.
Mark, 35
My interest in sex with Alissia felt like it suddenly dropped off a cliff. But my feelings for her have only become stronger
I have a pattern of losing interest in sex when I’m in a relationship for more than a year or so. I have untreated ADHD, and people like me are constantly seeking hits of dopamine and struggle to sustain concentration – particularly when the thing they are trying to concentrate on is no longer novel and “exciting”. I think this all translates to my sex life.
My interest in sex with Alissia felt like it suddenly dropped off a cliff. But my feelings for her have only become stronger. I feel guilty putting her through this pain and wish there was a simple solution. The only way I can explain it is to say I don’t feel motivated to have sex with her, but I do feel sexually motivated by the idea of pursuing new sexual partners, which is obviously related to my need for new stimuli.
I haven’t acted on this desire but it is there. I still find Alissia beautiful and attractive, but there is some kind of stopping point in my head where I feel that intimacy has to end. We’ll kiss, but when it is approaching something erotic, I’ll say I need the toilet, or pick up my phone. Obviously this is very distressing for Alissia.
Facing these issues is incredibly hard. I sometimes feel running away would be easier. I shut down when we discuss anything to do with our sex life, and become agitated. Seeing a therapist has helped in the past. I had some sessions earlier this year and as a result I initiated sex a few times, and felt a lot lighter. But I travel for my work, so my therapy was interrupted.
I am going back to therapy next week so there is hope.
Alissia asks if there is anything she can do to help, but I feel the only solution would be if she could transform into a completely different person each time we have sex, so I would have the novelty of a new challenge to focus on. Obviously this is not reasonable. I know that sexual fulfilment is tied to self-worth and it really hurts me to feel responsible for causing her this pain.