There are times when even the Tories are banged to rights. Prisons are one of them. You’d have thought Conservative MPs would have been up in arms at the government’s decision to free a second tranche of prisoners under its early release scheme little more than a month after the first. Law and order is meant to be a Tory thing. The answer to any crime – apart from inciting rioters to burn down buildings with asylum seekers in them – is to lock people up and throw away the key. Turn the whole of Milton Keynes into one vast prison estate. Bring back capital punishment.
But not this time. As the justice secretary, Shabana Mahmood, prepared to give a statement to the Commons on Tuesday, there were just seven Tory backbenchers in the chamber. And none of the Reform crew. Presumably with the presidential election imminent, they have more interest in what’s going on Stateside. Or maybe Nigel Farage has finally got round to acquainting himself with Clacton. Where was all the faux outrage? Where were the temper tantrums?
Even the prisoners seemed to be on their best behaviour. Unlike in September, none of those released early managed to get themselves nicked again inside a few hours. Outside HMP Swaleside, Daniel Dowling-Brooks, who had been let out seven weeks early from a seven-year sentence, was giving interviews to waiting journalists. “Big up to Keir Starmer,” he said, after promising to go to his hostel and follow the rules after first having a McDonald’s.
“I kidnapped someone who owed my friend money. I tied him up and had him at gunpoint. I beat him up. It was bad but not as bad as they made out,” he said. Hmm. Be nice to know what the mitigating circumstances were. “I’m so sorry for it though.” That’s more like it. Every ex con deserves a shot at redemption. If Danny plays his cards right, he could be in line to introduce Keir at next year’s party conference.
Thing is, the Tories know all this is entirely on them. They are the ones who had been in power for the last 14 years and who did nothing as the Prison Service crumbled around them. The previous justice secretary begged Rishi Sunak to do something about it in the summer but was given the brush off. Rish! just chose to call a general election instead.
Labour were forced into the early-release schemes simply because there were no places left to house newly convicted criminals. There was no other choice. They knew that some would soon reoffend but that was just an occupational hazard. Some crims are always going to crim. One of the less publicised functions of prison is to turn criminals into repeat – if not better – criminals. Any rehabilitation is largely an accident of the system rather than a core purpose.
Then maybe they could try making criminals listen to Mahmood as a punishment beating. She may be one of the brighter members of the current cabinet but she never stops talking. The only way to get a word in edgeways is to try to nip in when she’s taking a breath. Though this is harder than it sounds as she has the remarkable ability to talk and breathe at the same time. Her opening statement came in at 14 minutes rather than the maximum 10 and felt even longer. Mainly because she spoke so fast. Come the end, everyone just felt a massive sense of relief and would have agreed to almost anything.
Mahmood rattled through her action plan. This was very definitely the last tranche of prisoners that would be released early. You could sense that fingers were being firmly crossed at this point. The former Tory justice minister David Gauke would be put in charge of a review looking at alternatives to custodial sentences. Like keeping people at home for 12 hours a day. I could go along with that. The dog would be thrilled. And lastly, Mahmood would be deporting all foreign crims.
What followed was a love-in. Led by Edward Argar, the shadow justice secretary, who basically agreed with everything Shabana had said. Yes, the prisons had got into a bit of a state, he admitted, though he couldn’t quite bring himself to admit the Tories had presided over their decline. He will need a great deal more therapy until he can cope with that level of reality. He did try to suggest it was all the fault of Tony Blair’s government, but his heart wasn’t really in it. That bus left long ago.
The closest we got to any form of dissent was the Conservative Desmond Swayne complaining that Gauke was too much of a wet to be heading a review. Might as well be a Labour stooge. He might have had a point. Gauke recently spend the best part of £40 to rejoin the Tory party so that he could vote in the leadership contest. Only to find that the two centrists he wanted to support had been eliminated and there was no one left whose views he could tolerate. Life is hell as a one-nation Conservative these days. You’re virtually stateless.
Talking of which, the leadership battle took yet another turn for the worse for Robert Jenrick on Tuesday morning. Honest Bob just cant’t catch a break these days. Talking to Nick Ferrari on LBC, Suella Braverman announced that she was backing … Robert Jenrick. This was the endorsement that neither candidate wanted. Someone who was too mad even to be nominated for the contest. Let that thought sink in for a while.
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Ferrari moved on to the 290 documents that Suella had managed to forward to her private email. In direct contravention of the ministerial code. “Ah,” said Sue. That. That was all just a misunderstanding. She had only done that because she wanted to be able to work on two screens at the same time. At last! Someone who is even more hopeless at tech than me. Even I have heard of split screen. Or connecting a second monitor to your laptop. And this still didn’t explain why she had forwarded an official document from her personal email to her old mucker John Hayes.
But relax. It wasn’t as if Suella had ever been in a position of power. Just imagine if she had been home secretary. Do not adjust your screens. Scrub that. Sue already has.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.