The prosecution: Becky
Rob has now got a mullet and looks like an adult film star. It’s ugly and I have to see it every day
If you love something about your partner – a quality or an attribute – and it makes you feel sexually attracted to them, your partner should try to keep that. It’s important to a relationship. But Rob doesn’t care that the thing I love about him is his corkscrew curls. I get upset every time he cuts them off. He recently cut his hair really short, and now looks like an 80s PE teacher or an adult film star. It’s like a mullet, and it’s awful. He thinks it looks cool but I feel burned.
Rob said, “I know you don’t like it, but I don’t care,” which tells me he doesn’t think he should put any effort into how he looks. But now I have to look at this ugly haircut every day. I think he should have asked me before he cut it off.
Hair is not just a matter of aesthetics to me; it signals who you are. When Rob has long hair, he’s telling people he doesn’t care about societal expectations. He does that, anyway, in the way he behaves – he’s not a traditional manly man, and I love that – but I like to see it reflected in his look, too. It signals a move away from my upbringing, where all the men had straight hair and were strait-laced.
Hair, for men, isn’t a painful issue. Women’s bodies and appearances are so tightly controlled – men don’t get stigmatised for having body hair. So I feel that women should be able to say, “Oh, I prefer this about my partner.”
I’m generally less attracted to Rob now. He says, “It’s my body, I can do what I want.” But he has to deal with the consequences of my body shutting down in response.
I’m not going to leave him, but I am going to make a racket. We will probably have less sex. I believe both of us should both strive to keep the attraction alive in the relationship. We’ve been together for eight years and I do things for him, like shaving my legs, because he prefers it. Rob knows I’m not controlling, but I think he’s inconsiderate. It’s like not brushing your teeth when you’re in a relationship – it’s offensive. This hair thing isn’t about control – it’s about doing something nice for your partner.
The defence: Rob
It’s my body, and my rules. If I want to look like a 1980s PE teacher, then so be it
I always like to look good, but I think I look particularly good with my new haircut. However, it’s a real sticking point for Becky and it shouldn’t be. I should be able to do what I want: it’s my hair, my body and my rules.
Becky gets really upset whenever I cut my hair. It feels weird to be in the doghouse for getting my hair trimmed. The irony is, Becky can dye her hair bright red or green or whatever, and I don’t say a word. She dyed it red the other day, and I didn’t know until she FaceTimed me. She didn’t ask for permission to do that, so surely it should work both ways.
I admit that my hair is very different now. I had quite fine, shoulder-length curls. Now I’ve cut it, I probably do look like an 80s PE teacher, as Becky says. But that’s just how it looks now. It will grow again, so who cares?
Of course I care massively what Becky thinks, and I want to appear sexy and attractive to her. When she tells me that she doesn’t see me like that any more, it knocks my confidence and makes me worried for our relationship.
I don’t feel good about this haircut now. But I can’t force her into liking it. If I want to look like a throwback porn star, so be it.
Becky is a firm feminist and very opinionated. She always does what she wants, as she should, but I just find it a bit hypocritical. I always like how she looks, regardless of her hairstyle. Maybe she is more shallow than I thought, and maybe she only loves me for my hair. After eight years, I’m only just realising this.
It’s like when your parents say, “If you get a tattoo, I’ll disown you.” It makes you feel like they will be disappointed with you. Becky goes through a rollercoaster of emotions with my new hair: anger, disgust, sadness, disappointment, acceptance. It’s like the five stages of grief for people whose boyfriends cut their hair. In all seriousness though, it doesn’t feel good that Becky’s love is conditional on how I present myself. It’s only hair, after all.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Rob get the nod from Becky before visiting the barber?
Becky has boundary issues. Rob is a human being in his own right, not an extension of his girlfriend. It’s up to him how he wears his hair.
Eoin, 62
The idea of a mullet used to appal me, but having accidentally come across an Australian rules football match on TV I’m warming to Rob’s chosen look. Innocent!
Sophia, 42
Becky seems to be a good judge of style and has definite views on how she and Rob should look together as a couple. So he should let her take the lead, and that means giving up some of his independence.
Josh, 51
It’s tricky. I take Rob’s point that he should be able to style himself how he wants, and it doesn’t read well that Becky’s attraction to him is dependent on his hair. However, it does sound like the new haircut is pretty daft and maybe he should rein it in, not just for her but for himself, too. A compromise might be a less extreme haircut and less pearl clutching from Becky.
Matt, 33
In some ways I feel Becky’s pain. A mullet is a serious turn-off. But it’s cruel of her to make Rob feel that she only fancies him for his corkscrew curls. If that’s so, her attraction is frighteningly fickle. Perhaps there’s something else going on here?
Molly, 32
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Rob refer to Becky before getting a haircut?
The poll closes on Thursday 22 August at 10am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Paul should do as girlfriend Amanda wishes and chill out in his pyjamas at the weekend
27% of you said Paul is guilty – he’s made his bed and now he should lie in it
73% of you said Paul is innocent – it’s Amanda who needs to get busy